The Dark Room - 2008

Past, Present, Future

Kinda like this picture. I was heading to my parents house about to get on the Currituck Sound bridge. I took this picture as a goof up. Like how you can see out the rear view mirror - looking back towards the beach. Hope you like it.

Christmas Pics

The three stooges.

The Captain

Do I need to say anything??

New Camera

Here's the view of Duck from our deck. Loving this Christmas.

The View

Is great. We are having a blast. Are glad that Christmas is here.

Home?

The definition of this word has changed a lot for me in the past eight years. I'm at the place I spent the whole first 18 years of my life - when I am away, sometime I miss it. But, sadly, as soon as I leave Roxboro, I miss it too - even more than here.

We are enjoying our stay here so far. Meeting up with an old friend tomorrow and I am really looking forward to it. Hopefully, I'll get to roam around the Whalehead Club without a mean old man as a tour guide telling me not to touch anything. Little did he know I had been giving tours there before A.C. or hell, even floors in large parts of the house. Stephanie laughed at me when I told him of stuff he didn't even know.

Merry Christmas y'all.

Carroll is

Tired. Enough partying with old ladies for one day. Glad to be off and getting ready to head home for a few. Merry Christmas, y'all.

Letters To Santa

Found this on the WRAL website tonight - it will make me thankful for ALL the things I have this year.

Raleigh, N.C. — It is the season that inspires letters to Santa Claus about toys, dolls and video games. This year, however, Saint Nicholas is reading letters that are a sign of tough economic times.

Five million pieces of mail pass thorough the U.S. Postal Service Distribution Center in Raleigh every day. This time of the year, the North Pole sub-station is a hot destination, with 4,000 letters so far being sent to Santa.

Santa's helpers are helping him read the letters and say this year, it is not just about fun items. Some letters ask Santa for a jacket, shoes and a job for mom.

“Instead of the toys, we have more of the ones that will touch your heart a little bit,” said Sherry McGowan, with the U.S. Postal Service.

One letter addressed to Santa reads, “We have seen our mother crying because she cannot give us anything. It hurts us we have to see her like this."

“I’m writing this letter to you for a miracle,” another Santa letter says.

For many children, 2008 has been a tough year.

“I think with the economy the way it is, it has brought our children into the adult world and our finances,” Santa helper Donna Crawford said.

The postal service says it is not too late to send a letter to Santa, but you have to hurry.

Send letters to:

North Pole Sub-Station

P.O. Box 9995

Raleigh, N.C. 27676-9995

Also, remember to include your mailing address so Santa can write back.

Sitting Beside My Bubba

So tonight is the first night we have had wireless internet at our house. It's great. Now I can sit right beside Stephanie and blog away instead of having to be across the room. To more nights of recliner blogging.

Peace, love and chicken grease my friends.

So now you want to come??

I have been helping to plan the Christmas party at work for months. We are having games, food, music, and fun. In my unit there are 14 ladies. I have sent out 3 e-mails, two fliers and reminded everyone for the last 3 weeks or so.

Up until today only about 5 people from my unit had vocalized to me they planned to come. Yesterday, my boss sent out an e-mail letting those know who were not going that, because I was planning the party, they would have to take any applications that came in between 11 and 2. Normally I do them all.

Then suddenly, this afternoon 3 of the four people who aren't coming but are working that day said they wanted to come and participate but not pay the $10 needed to eat. What they don't know is $2 of that $10 we are buying prizes for the games we have scheduled. Basically - they are coming - not because they really want to participate. But because they don't want to take an application even more. And, if they play the games should they still get a prize? Even though they haven't helped to contribute?

Not to mention all the time, and money those of us planning this party have contributed. Maybe I am over reacting but it kind rubbed me the wrong way this afternoon. If they do come I am going to force them to have such a good time they can't even stand themselves - even if they don't want to, damn it. They haven't seen fa la la laing like this before!!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Its About Damn Time

Theme Song For Tonight

Headin' out to a birthday party in the country:

My "Second Poteat" Memories

#0673440








Stephanie was gone. I did nothing but work and study. The older I get the more I wonder if anyone will ever be able to understand what that year of my life was like. Sometimes I felt so alone. I look back now and wonder how I ever survived it.

Kinda Freaky......

But still cool.

Totally love it.

Ok, ok so I might be a little bit country, but here ya go anyway.

You'll think you've seen this before but then it has something very new.

Watch it until the end.

Some Things I Can't Wait To See....

http://www.whaleheadclub.org/porch_pano/index.php











And what we are all listening to (dog and all):

The Countdown Is On...

Because we can't wait for Christmas break!! A whole week off at the beach with no crazy clients, or shitty messages about "where's my Medicaid card."

Five whole days of food, fun, old friends, wine, ocean, sand and Christmas presents; what more could a girl ask for?

I wish it would get here fast. :)

Peace, hope and love.

Every Christmas......

We watch this show - we always talk about "who" each one of us "is" in the movie.

Which one are you? I have quite a bit of Linus in me. Stephanie says I have his head - and she keeps the house so damn cold I gotta have my blanket!

Merry Christmas, y'all.

Christmas Cards

So I passed out Christmas cards at work today, and dropped some in the mail too. So many people made fun of me for writing them over the weekend. I told them to kiss my ass, I didn't care how girly or corn ball it was I will be doing it every Christmas from now until the end of time.

There is something that always warms my heart when I get a Christmas card in the mail from someone I haven't talked to or heard from in a while, and I hope other people can get that too when one hits their mailbox from us. Guess its just the old lady in me.

Peace, Hope and Love.

This Is Why...

We believe in equal rights for all couples, gay or straight. Watch these videos - it's not so different now than it was then. Think about how you would feel if this happened to you.
















Want to join the fight??? www.hrc.org

Faith, Hope and Love

For the past couple of days Stephanie and I have been struggling. There is no other way to describe our financial difficulites other than it has been a struggle. All the while I tried so hard to think positive. To have faith. To be thankful for all of things that I have that so many people right now don't.

Tonight, I am glad that I didn't get bogged down with negative thinking and be down about our finances. I tried to keep my head high, have faith that somehow, someway things would work out and be ok. It was hard but I am convinced that it worked. Having faith always seems to work for me.

We were blessed today with a tremendous help to our finances, catching up with an old friend and will actually be able to meet a goal we have for Christmas in a way we never saw coming.

People enter our lives so suddenly, so unexpectedly and for exactly the right reason at the right time.

I am so thankful for my wife and the person she is. She always allows me to be exactly the person I am. She never expects me to be anything but who I am - no matter who that person may be. She gets me in such a deep way that it still amazes me.

I got the Christmas spirit today - I hadn't had it until today. There is more positive thinking in my life - because the result that happened is one I never saw coming, but am so grateful for.

MERRY CHRISTMAS everyone. We hope yours will be as fun and family filled as ours is going to be!!

Miami, Miami

Sometimes this song just randomly comes into my head and I sing it all day long. I always think, damn it. There it is again. And, if anybody asks, I am going to look like a total weirdo walking around singing a song from the Golden Girls. Anyway, hope you don't get it in your head for the rest of the day.

The "Dont" Blog

Stephanie doesn't want me to write the blog I want to - so I won't write one.

This will be the hint to myself - for when I read this in the future - no more wonderful Christmas tree smell. :( tear.tear.

My "1st Vann Memories"

The days I spent as a freshmen at Meredith were some of the most memorable and formative ones of my life. Music always takes me back to the places I was when a certain song was on the radio. Here are two of the ones that I listened to, rocked out to, and Shannon and I blasted through my radio in the window. No matter how old I get or what happens in my life if I hear these two songs, it'll take me back in time to the fall of 2000 where I was finding myself and finding my place in the world.

P.S.

Stephanie made some homemade cranberry sauce for Thanksgiving dinner that was just phenomenal. She will be making that every holiday from now until the end of time.

So simple.... but oh, so GOOD!

:) :)

Christmas Tree

We finished putting up the Christmas Tree yesterday.

What fun. It's so funny to me that every year Stephanie has certain "jobs" to do when decorating the tree.. and I have others.

I try not to think about how "Rob and Paige" that is. But, it makes me laugh every year.

She does the lights and the beads. I do the bows, ornaments and skirt. EVERY YEAR its the same routine.

At least I get a chuckle from watching her string lights on my tree. :) :)

Hip-hip hooray for Christmas candy, commercials and songs too.

I feel the festive coming out in me...

Peace, Love and Chicken Grease my friends.

My Favorite

This will always be my favorite scene of the "Golden Girls." Always. :)

Waitin' On Some Snow

Will we see some snow tonight, late? Who knows. But we sure hope so. :)

Busy Day

I worked my butt off today. I was scheduled to go to CPR training but I didn't go cause I didn't want to be the girl who said...."I am off to CPR training, y'all," because I have just missed a whole week of work. And, I tried to look people in the eye and be nice to them today.
Peace, love and chicken grease my friends.

First Day Back At Work

It was so cool today to hear "we are glad you are back," from so many people. I gotta tell y'all that I just love my job. I have earned a new appreciation for the work I do in the last week being away from it. Yes, I have to deal with clients everyday that get on my nerves; but, overall my work is rewarding. When I feel like I have honestly helped someone who is hurting and in need right now - I feel like I am making a difference even if it is just a small one. Stephanie, my sweet wife, cooked me both lunch and dinner today. Even though we are eating pretty poor this week because it is the week before I get paid, coming home to a warm, smelling good kitchen did my heart good. :)
Peace, love and chicken grease my friends.

Back Then

I hadn't heard this song in years until today. In the spring of 2004 - this is how I felt. It was strange to hear it... to remember those days - some of the most formative in my life. I am so glad that I was strong enough to make the change I needed to and understand what was really important to me and our world.

Monday

I started getting my list of stuff we are going to make for Thanksgiving together today. We have decided to have a Thanksgiving Feast of our very own right here at home. I laughed at myself this morning as I was cooking breakfast. The list I was making reminded me so much of the lists I would see on my Mammaw's kitchen table when I was a kid. Its just amazing to me how much, even though I try to fight it, like her I am. Anyway, my list is coming together and I am actually really excited about cooking here for us. We are going to have a real southern spread and I cannot wait for some oyster dressing... mmm...mmm. I am sure it will never touch my granny's but we are gonna take a stab at it anyway. And for any of y'all who don't have somewhere to be on Thanksgiving night - come and dine with us - we would love any guests. The more the merrier! :) I am off to run some errands and just get out of the house for a while - I never though I would say I am ready to go back to work, but I will be when Wednesday gets here!
Peace, love and chicken grease.

Names

Found this today thought it was pretty cool.

STEPHANIE MARIE:

The meaning of the name Stephanie is: Crown

The origin of the name Stephanie is French

Notes: feminine form of Stephen

The meaning of the name Marie is: Sea Of Bitterness

The origin of the name Marie is French

Notes: From the name Mary.

CARROLL PAIGE:

The meaning of the name Carol is: Form Of Charles ( Charles meaning Free Man)

The origin of the name Carol is English

The meaning of the name Paige is: Assistant

The origin of the name Paige is English.

And... one of my favorite quotes from "Romeo and Juliet."

Tis but thy name that is my enemy;--
Thou art thyself, though not a Montague.
What's Montague? It is nor hand, nor foot,
Nor arm, nor face, nor any other part
Belonging to a man. O, be some other name!
What's in a name? that which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet;
So Romeo would, were he not Romeo call'd,
Retain that dear perfection which he owes
Without that title:--Romeo, doff thy name;
And for that name, which is no part of thee,
Take all myself.

----Juliet Capulet

Family Always Makes A Kitchen Warmer

My cousin Linn came to visit me today. It was great. We talked and reminsced about things that not everyone can understand or appreciate. It was a nice change of pace for me to just have a member of my family come and visit with me in my very own kitchen. It may sound like a trivial and simple thing but it was some of the best conversation I have had in a while.
Thank you Linn for seeking me out, and caring about what was going on in my world. And, helping me to validate the change that has happened in my parents that very people can see or understand.
I hope that today will be one of many times someone in my family will come, sit and visit with me. My kitchen felt as warm and wonderful as it has in a long time.
I hope that all of y'all are having as good of a day as me!!
Peace, love and chicken grease y'all.

Protection

Today was the first time Stephanie has ever said these words to me...."You can touch me all you want, but first you have to go use some protection," as she points to the bathroom. She meant the antibacterial hand soap/lotion. My best laugh of the day. :)

The Flu

Well y'all... I went to the doctor today and I've got the flu! Doctor has put me out of work until next Wednesday! I am sure I will be stark raving MAD by then.

Colds

Colds are the worst. I really hate them. I have one that will not let go of me. And, of course I still have to go into work because my back up intake worker is on vacation today. Blah. Thats how I feel. Blah. This is probably gonna turn into a half day for Carroll!! Hope y'all are feeling better than me.

Veteran's Day

I am happy to be at home today instead of working, that is for sure. I am trying to be very conscious today however about why I am home. It's Veteran's Day and we should all be very thankful for those who give their lives to service this country. The vet's I know are proud to say they served and most would do it again. We owe a lot to these people and I give them the utmost respect. Thank you for those of you who served this great great country. We are proud of you and want you to know how grateful we are for your service.

Ignorance

It never ceases to amaze me that so many people in my community still have so much ignorance. Being a history major, I totally get and understand how prejudices , stereotypes and the like could exist in previous generations. Information was not at the finger tips of generations before ours. Today, that is not the case. If one takes the time to do a little investigation, to actually look something up, they can find all (hell more) than what they want to know about something.
We live by one thing, the golden rule - "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

Or to be more specific:

"And as ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise."
Luke 6:31

See... I just looked that up. I would rather have a conversation with a person who disagreed with me because of their own research and opinion instead of someone else's. God gave us eyes, ears, and heart for a reason folks. I wish that more people would use all of these assets and not just take someone else's word for something.

BE INFORMED. FIND OUT FOR YOURSELF.

Peace, love and chicken grease.

Dancing With The Cops, Fire and EMS

Last night I went to a fund raiser for the Person County Burned Children's Fund called Dancing with the Cops, Fire and EMS. It was similar to "Dancing with the Stars." My colleague Lou recruited me to come and participate because her daughter, Heather who is a paramedic, was one of the people dancing in the competition. I joked about how abusive that was, only using me because of my mouth and screaming ability. In reality, I was happy to be there. Heather did great! This is the second year they have held this fund raiser and Heather was the first woman to participate. Each of the dancers were also dancing for an individual charity. Heather's was the Person County Hospital Cancer Services Fund. Her mother-in-law, whom I hadn't met until last night, is struggling with cancer right now and sat across the table from me. Heather dedicated her dance to her mother-in-law and it was honestly a very emotional experience for all of us. In the end she didn't win but we were all happy to be there supporting two great local charities.
I must tell you how much I love Lou and her family. Since I began working at DSS, Lou and I have become very close. She is a wonderful person and has embraced me in a way that no one has ever done in my life. She and her family have welcomed me, actually taken the time to get to know me (and my wife) and they don't judge me or treat me any differently because of the lifestyle I live. Its such a blessing to have these people in my life. It's nice to have people who simply just give a damn about whats going on in your life, the daily struggles each of us have and are supportive in the choices that we have made. They are not my family, but they sure treat me like I was a member of their's. I hope that one day I will be able to vocalize to each of them how much getting to know them and spending time with them has helped me. It's very nice to have supportive people in your world, not just judgmental "you are living wrong" ones. For almost the last decade, I haven't had a support network that really cared about Stephanie and I as unit. I have found some people who will be in my life for a long, long time and I am so thankful to have them, all of them.
You just gotta love a 55 year woman who will call me out about being allergic to nuts - ALL OF THEM - at a community function. Yes, for those of you who don't know, I am allergic to peanuts and tree nuts. Last night I was talking with the people who had prepared our food to make sure that nothing had been cooked with peanuts, peanut oil or any type of nut. Having my face and tongue swell up around all of those people was not my idea of a good time. When I got back to the table everyone was inquiring with me and Lou about why I was asking all of those questions about the food. I start to tell everyone that I have a real allergy to nuts when Lou blurts out "She allergic to all kinds of nuts, which I just think is hysterically funny being that she's gay." Of course then for the next couple of minutes we laughed about how ironic it is that I am allergic to nuts. God does have a sense of humor after all. It made me feel so good though that Lou didn't hide the fact that I am gay. Stephanie wasn't there so she didn't have to explain that tid bit of information about me. In fact, a lot of people probably wouldn't have - but she showed me just how good of a person she is and she doesn't care that people know that her "adopted" daughter is in fact a frickin' lesbian. Just being supported and having someone who looks past the label to see me as a person is a new and wonderful thing for me.
Well y'all, I am off to another Sunday full of football watching, home cooked food eatin' and beer drinking. I wish all of you have a happy and content Sunday and week ahead.

Peace, Love and Chicken Grease!

Will Always Remember

It's True

We hold these truths to be self-evident,
that all men are created equal,
that they are endowed by their Creator
with certain unalienable Rights,
that among these are
Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.
That to secure these rights,
Governments are instituted among Men,
deriving their just powers
from the consent of the governed,
That whenever any Form of Government
becomes destructive of these ends,
it is the Right of the People
to alter or to abolish it,
and to institute new Government
laying its foundation on such principles
and organizing its powers in such form,
as to them shall seem most likely
to effect their Safety and Happiness.

Today

Thoughts

All I have to say today is... I hate liars, especially big fat ones.

And....

Trick Or Treat

The busiest night on our street every year is most definitely Halloween night. Because of the neighborhood we live in - we always have tons of families visiting to get some goodies! This year, because Halloween fell on a Friday, we were especially busy. I really enjoy passing out candy to little ones. I remember how exciting it was for me to go and get candy every year and it always takes me back to some wonderful childhood memories.
At work yesterday, a bunch of us got dressed up and I must say it was absolutely a blast. I laughed and laughed and laughed yesterday! We also visited nursing home and made some old folks smile and they told us we should be on TV! That was a blast! Anyway - to one of my calmest, and most sober, Halloween's in a while - I must tell you how gratifying and fun my whole day was yesterday. Here are some pictures of me and my other colleagues dressed up on county time yesterday! Hope everyone had a safe and happy holiday!

Tattoo's

So a lot people do not get why people have and get tattooed. It can be for a variety of reasons. But the simple fact of the matter is that the person who gets it is the one who has to live with it. I have two. I want more. I've been thinking about getting one in honor of my grandmother. A lot of the women I work with at DSS give me hell about having a "tramp stamp" on my back. Yes, I have a tattoo on my back - and I got it there because I wanted to cover up my birth mark that I had on my back. It just so happens that one fit perfectly over it. I also have one on my hip. Stephanie has the same one on her neck. It's Chinese for "married couple." We hadn't even been together 4 months when we got them. I do not regret either of them. In fact, I love telling the stories of when and why I got them.
If you don't get why people have tattoos, or you don't want one, then that's perfectly fine. But please, don't look down on me because I do have a couple. And understand that tattoos can be a very powerful and healing experience. Having one type of pain can take away another.
Hope all is well with everyone. Peace, Love and Chicken Grease - and by the way I CANNOT wait to get dressed up on Friday!

Sleet

Hello? Is it January already? It really felt like it today in Roxboro. I am sitting at my desk today at work and I overhear a lady coming in from her lunch break say "It's sleeting outside, y'all."

"What?"
"Yep. It's sleeting outside." Up me and Ginger (the lady who sits beside me) go running up to the outside door like a couple of 8 year olds. And yep, sure enough in October it was sleeting outside. I really hope this isn't a sign of things to come for how our winter is going to be - otherwise we are in for one hell of a ride.

My quote of the day:

"Spring has sprung, fall has fell - it's winter again, and cold as hell."

And some food for thought - why when people do exactly what we tell them to do ( even though we don't really want them to do that) do what what we ask - we still get mad?? Ran across this question in a situation today - and thought it was some good observation on the part of Stephanie. I was telling her about one of my co-workers being upset with her neice. Stephanie comments "isn't that what she told her to do?" And, it was. "So why is she mad?" Stephanie asks? Hurt is more the word than mad. But still, why do we do that sometimes. I know I have been guilty a time or two before.

Happy Halloween, y'all.

Honesty

Last night after having done my shopping at Wal-Mart, I left my pocket book in the shopping cart outside. It wasn't until about 2 hours later that I even realized it was gone. Thankfully, there was someone who was honest enough to return it - and my bag of dog food that I also left on the cart to the customer service desk. Whoever you are, thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. There are so many people who would not have done the same. I had cash, bank card, check book, ID, birth certificate, insurance card, EVERYTHING important in that pocket book. I was so happy to find out that it was all left just like I had left it. At least I know there is one honest person in this world. I vow to do something good for someone today - in return for someone doing something nice for me. :)

J-O-Y

How do you spell JOY? Everyone I ask this question automatically answers "J-O-Y." Just so you know - actually, it's F-R-I-D-A-Y. And, today is not only Friday, but it's payday also! Woo-hoo. I hope everyone has a spectacular day!

Cheese Toast

Cheese toast is my staple for breakfast in the mornings. It takes 3 thoughtless minutes of preparation and bam - keeps me going until lunch time. Hip hip hooray for cheese toast!!

Mechanics

So our car is going into the shop today and I had to explain myself to someone yesterday about why I took my car to this man. No - he is not one the most "well known" mechanics in the county but I have taken my car to him for over two years. Is the cheapest? Probably not. But, the simple fact of the matter is that he has always done me and my vehicle right and charged me a reasonable price. Several times my car has been stuck in my driveway. I call him up, he comes and gets it, fixes it and I am on my way. He is a small business owner and it is my pleasure to patronize him and be a repeat customer. Isn't that, after all, what a business owner wants?? :)

Freedom Of Expression

We have always loved Pink. She says what most women don't have the real guts to say. My props to her - this song says a lot. I hope that more Americans will see the message of this from an extraordinary American woman. Right on sista', right on!

"I" Vs." We"

Early in most situations - with new jobs, early in certain relationships - I use the pronoun I rather than We when discussing things about my life. I was noticing yesterday when I was talking to my mom on the phone that she always uses the word you rather than y'all (yes, I am still from the south.) The older I get and the longer Stephanie and I are together, the more furious that I get at being addressed as you. Stephanie is the most important person in my world - she is my spouse, my best friend, my confidant, my lover, my chef, the reason that I get up and do what I do every day. She and I have been through a lot together in eight years and I just wish that people would be respectful enough - whether or not they agree with or understand our relationship - to understand that we are a unit. We come as a package. You get one, you get the other. Maybe one day, my family and the general public will understand that neither of us are a you anymore. We are always a we.

A New Week Begins

Another wonderful weekend is over and its back to work I go. My attitude this morning is positive. I hope that I will not encounter too many people who are dealing with tough times in their lives. My one goal every day I step foot into my office is to offer people hope. Hope is, after all, the only thing that gets me through the daily struggles of my own life.
My new job is incredibly rewarding some days and incredibly frustrating other days. I never know until the situation presents itself what day it will be. At least it keeps things interesting because I never know what to expect or the stories I will hear between 8:30 and 5:00.

My motto for today, is this:

1 Corinithians 13:13: And these three things remain: faith, hope and love but the greatest is love.

And by the way, I am really enjoying this whole blogging everyday thing. Its very much like having a diary. I am coming to understand that it is not for anyone else but us. For us to be able to look back at our lives, the simple days, the not so simple days and remember. I guess its just the history nerd in me, but I really like knowing that 5, 10 or 15 years from now I will be able to access my thoughts and my routine and remember.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Monday!

One of Our Favorites

Sunday's

Sunday's are my favorite. We spend the whole day together and Stephanie cooks for me all day long. One of the most valuable aspects of our marriage (to me anyway) is having my own personal chef. I used to get meals on a daily basis but since she has been cooking at night, my personal meals at home have become less frequent. Sunday's, however, our house smells of hot food in the kitchen all day long. What is it about having a warm, cozy, fragrant kitchen that makes a house feel like a home?
Today is one of the first cold days we have had yet this season and our home is my sanctuary today. The heaters are turned on, the leaves are falling outside, football is on the T.V., I have on a sweatshirt and full socks and my soul is getting some much needed R&R. The fall is here again and at least for today, I can exclude all the worries our lives and just be at home with the one I love warm, cozy and with a full belly all day long. What more could a girl ask for?

Making It

Recently we have come to realize that the things that make us happy are changing, or maybe we are just rediscovering. I am not sure when this change happened but overall it has been a good one in our lives. Since I have gotten a job that flipped our routine upside down, some big, but good changes have happened. It's taken some time for us to feel our way through some boundaries, expectations, goals, wants, needs. With my newly found free time I am realizing how many things that I enjoy doing and that give me pleasure I had not been doing.
For several years of my life, playing softball made me sad. I am understanding more and more now that it was the memories I had tied to the sport that kept me from wanting to play. For over a decade, I lived and breathed it. It was something that I couldn't do and not miss my father. Not miss the thousands of hours we had spent on a ball field and the satisfaction I got while there. This is first year since I was 18 that I have played the sport. I got involved inadvertently through a simple act of kindness one day at work and it was one of the best things that has happened to me in years. I have gotten part of myself back in the last 5 months with the people I have met, the relationships I have formed, and the FUN I have had since finding the nerve to try and face some of my old demons. Its a decision that I made with really no thought and had no idea that once I did, the many things I would learn, the people I would meet, and the happiness that I would feel again that I hadn't in years.

This past Tuesday night, my co-rec team (which means men and women) not only won the tournament we were playing in but went undefeated! I must say that it was hands down on the most exciting and fun times I can remember having as an adult. The past several weeks have been some real learning days for me. We were dealt a devastating blow about half way through the season with the death of someone special to a lot of the members of the team and their families. We played with heart from then on, nothing but 100% heart. We had a goal to meet - we were going to win this tournament in order to give some people some hope. And for them to know that life can go on and can still be fun even without some of those we love and have lost.

I have found a part of myself recently that I thought I had lost forever. I am happy to have it back. I am glad that God has placed me exactly where I am right now because I understand that its right where I am supposed to be. All my thanks and gratitude to "Timberlake Shell" and everyone involved with the team. Thank you for the joy, the tears, the pain, the success. It's done my heart and my soul more repair that I thought was ever even possible.